Standing on the Ledge

October 18 ends my tenure as a college student. I will be in possession of 2 degrees. Almost 40 years old and I just finished school. Although you receive hearty claps on the back from your peers admiring your courage to finish school, the fact that I am almost 40 and most of my friends finished school by 23, doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Among the overpriced mini mansions and their 2.5 kids, their move up the corporate ladder during your undergrad classes somehow stokes the fires of envy inside of you. After my father’s murder, I needed time to pause until I was ready to enter the world of the living. It didn’t. So here I am, $65,000 in student loan debt with no recent work experience to write on my resumé. I’m hoping to get a good paying job within months so I can start a family, have my own home, buy a car, and maybe ride on an airplane to a vacation spot for one week a year. You know, easy goals. Did I mention that I’ve never been on a plane or lived on my own? I completely and utterly stopped living and progressing. I don’t think “wallowing in grief” is what employers mean by previous experience. Oh and before October, I need to be able to walk and sit for longer than 5 minutes and lose 100 pounds. Sounds doable, right? I wouldn’t have mentioned the need to lose weight but this is America and I am a woman so looks matters for gainful employment. I am scared sh**less. Fear consumes my every waking moment lately. It immobilizes me to take action. The overwhelming feeling is real, people. So, through this blog, I hope to rediscover life again. I need accountability more than just fear gives even if I’m the only person who ever reads this.